SPOILER ALERT!

Claimed

Claimed - 

K.R. Smith

Okay this whole review is just a huge spoiler because, honestly, I don't care.

 

First of all, this book really tripped me up, it was published in 2011(?) but it takes place in the 90's. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but most of this crap felt really jarring.

 

Jessica (the "heroine") claims to be an ~independent woman~ because *Cher Horowitz's voice* "duh, this is like, the 90's" but then she lets her boyfriend treat her like crap and falls in lust love at first sight with a 75 year old stranger and jumps into bed with him (nothing wrong with that) without a condom (everything wrong with that). I mean, it is the 90's, so I'm sure she's heard Salt N' Pepa's Let's Talk About Sex...

 

You know when someone does some shit that's so embarrassing you feel bad and you don't even have anything to do with it, I don't mean 2nd hand embarrassment, I mean beyond that.

This creepy dude Flint Riverclaw (i s2g...) is buying her dinner and looking out for her because she has diabetes and that's... considerate, even though he sprinkles a lot of weird talk about a man taking care of his woman over that. But still, I guess he's being kind? I'd tell him thanks but no thanks but Jessica seems receptive to this stuff so you'd expect her to reciprocate with polite conversation.

 

Jessica: "I make 50k a year how much do you make?"

 

Like... omg. Girl, shut up, you're an embarrassment to me and you're not even real!

 

Then of course there's a bunch of caveman stuff where he knocks her up (THIS IS WHY YOU USE A CONDOM EVEN IF THE DUDE IS A WEREWOLF) and claims she must come and live with him in some backwater hole and she's like, "But I'm just becoming hugely successful at my job as a powerful 90's executive lady and I struggled so hard to make it this far!" and I'm all, "cool, some compromise ahead, you keep wearing those huge shoulderpadded business suits, girl, keep those coins coming" hahah no.

She leaves her whole life behind, including her cat and (this was my favourite part) her rolodex to go and live with this creepy freak in the middle of nowhere in a wood cabin like the unabomber or something.

 

She still manages to bring a touch of the urbane when she snickers over being so ~advanced~ that she has, in fact, sent a few emails in her life. Girl, wow. Emails?! That's some matrix shit...

 

Then of course she gives birth like she just stepped off the Mayflower, legit in a cabin in the woods, bleeding to death. I'm not making up that part, she almost bled out (yes! communing with nature is so magical, right?) and was left sterile after that, but you'd think she'd be glad her baby was ok? No, with her newborn son in her arms, barely sparing him a glance, her main concern is for her poor husband who won't get any more kids out of her baby oven.

 

I mean... I mean, really.

What the fuck did I just read?